A Novel Romance
by becoafamu
Summary: Poor famous author TK Takaishi can't find a model for the cover of his latest romance novel, so he heads to the Digital World to ask an old friend for help. No slash, vaguely crackish.


Oh my God. So, I've been re-watching Digimon 01 and 02 and reliving my childhood, and the ending is such a boatload of WTF. All of their professions are just so strange. Like, TK's a novelist? What? And then I was like, heh, I bet he writes trashy romance novels. And then I was like lol Angemon looks like Fabio. And then this happened.

* * *

"No, no, no, no, no! He's all wrong," TK said irritably. Today was the fourth photo shoot they'd had for the cover of his new novel, and the fourth set of models. None of them worked- none of them had the _je ne sais quoi_ that he required for the cover of his magnum opus, _A Novel Romance_. After all, how were people supposed to get into the heroine's heaving bosom if he had some homely nobody on the cover? He was in the business of romance, not keeping every male model in Japan fed.

"Mr. Takaishi, sir, if I may ask," his assistant began humbly, "what exactly are you looking for? This is the 24th guy we've brought through, and if you asked my opinion, which I understand that you haven't, they're all very handsome gents."

"They're all too ordinary," he sighed, pretending not to notice when the model indignantly mouthed _Ordinary!?_ to his agent, grabbed his bag, and stormed out, or when one of the photographers went running after them, shouting, or when the shouting caused enough of a commotion for security to get involved. No, he decided he didn't notice any of that- he was too focused on his creative vision. All of the models that had been in and out were plenty attractive, but he needed more than plain attractive. He needed angelic. No, he needed _godlike_. Statuesque. The heroine left her husband for this guy after meeting him once in a coffee shop, so unless the man on the cover was literally drop-dead gorgeous, beautiful enough to stop hearts, no one would possibly buy it. Beauty sells books!

No, the models they'd given him were all too plain and human. TK wanted someone tall, almost superhumanly tall, larger than life even, but what he'd gotten was slightly-taller-than-average. He wanted blonde, too- the desperate women who bought trashy romance novels loved blonde hair. Long blonde hair. But not some squinchly little guy, someone big and muscly, and clad in a white spandex body suit.

That last part made TK gasp in shock and sit up a little straighter. No wonder he wasn't satisfied by anyone- he'd had a very specific person in mind all along. And let's face it, no one on Earth could compare. Unbeknownst to him, his assistant was still talking.

"…so I don't know what you want us to do. We'll never make the deadline at this rate!" she finished, punctuating each angry shout with a wave of her clipboard. TK was glad that he'd missed most of the rant, as based on the ending, it seemed like it had been pretty terrifying.

"It's fine, I've got it covered. I just need to call in a favor," he said cheerfully. "I'm going to the office. Hold all my calls!"

"I am not your secretary!" she screeched. TK ignored her and left the studio.

* * *

TK's office was actually a back spare-room in his stuffy downtown apartment, which was originally meant to be a walk-in closet. Sure, he couldn't stand up straight while he was inside, but hey, it was private. An excellent place for doing what he had to do, for the sake of his masterpiece.

The very bottom drawer had a secret compartment at the back, one that he'd of course added himself, to hide his most precious possessions. He opened the drawer and rattled out the contents, getting through his lucky pen, a rock he'd had since he was a kid, and an unopened can of Crystal Pepsi, before finally grabbing onto his worn and battered digivice. Patamon would be easy enough to find, and Lord knows he'd do anything for TK's career, right? Well, in any case, he was about to find out.

"DIGIPORT OPEN!" TK shouted, a little too dramatically, and he leaped to his feet, crashing his head into the low, sloping ceiling in a rather glorious manner. Because of this, he was sucked into his computer while completely off-balance, went hurtling through cyberspace with a raging headache, and then got tossed onto a hillside directly onto his ankle, very nearly breaking it. He lay there for a long moment, wondering if perhaps he was a little too old for the Digiworld, and that perhaps if he lay there in seething pain, eventually a hungry Kuwagamon or some such would come and put him out of his misery. Fortunately for TK's life and writing career, Patamon found him first.

"TK! Why're you upside down?" he shouted, flapping over on his implausibly small ear-wings. TK was indeed upside down, with his head pointing down the hill and his legs pointing up it. He hadn't really noticed before, what with the wallowing in self-pity.

"Patamon! Boy, am I glad to see you," he said, the exact same way he always did, because he suspected that Patamon was intimidated by change, and still maintained the delusion that he was seven years old. "I need your help."

"Why? Is there a bad Digimon?" Patamon flopped himself down on TK's chest, the exact same way he did when TK was seven years old.

"Oh, no, nothing like that. It's in the human world," TK grunted, righting himself with more difficulty than he was comfortable with and moving Patamon to his lap. He really was getting to be too old for the Digiworld.

"There's a bad Digimon in the human world?"

"No, Patamon. I need your help with my book." At this, Patamon squeaked excitedly and once again took to the air, flying in circles around TK's head and creating a rather nice breeze.

"Why? Do you need ideas? Are you gonna name a character after me?"

"Ah, no." Really, how was he going to ask this? Hey, your digivolved form is pretty so I want you to be on the cover of my trashy romance novel, you know, like Fabio. Not that Patamon would even know who Fabio was, of course, but a point of reference would be nice. TK hadn't tried to make Patamon digivolve in years- what if he couldn't even do it anymore? He hadn't thought this through. He should have just stuck with that jerk in the studio from that morning. Ah, well. Might as well spit it out. "I want you to be on the cover."

"Really!? _Me_!?" Patamon squealed.

"Yep. Well, not _you _you- Angemon," TK clarified. "I need someone tall and blonde and manly, and, well, Angemon fits the bill."

"I won't let you down, TK!" Patamon said solemnly, as if he were discussing going up to bat with the bases loaded and two men out in the bottom of the 9th inning when the team was down by one point, and not posing for a skanky book cover. Well, on the plus side, Angemon sort of produced his own light, so the lighting equipment wouldn't be necessary. Yes, the more he thought about it, the more he realized that this was the best idea he'd had since the time he conned Matt out of Springsteen tickets.

"All right, let's go! After the shoot, I'll buy you some cheese fries."

"CHEESE FRIES!" Patamon cheered. And so, TK and Patamon departed for the human world.

* * *

"You want _that _to be on the cover!? This isn't a book about furries!" the photographer complained. TK ignored him.

"Ok, guys, this is Patamon. He's a Digimon," he explained slowly. Digimon were reasonably common in the real world these days, but people were still stupid about it, so it couldn't hurt to start with an explanation. "He's going to be our book cover model, so everyone treat him with respect." Patamon beamed.

"Uh. Did I miss the part where Maria makes out with a pig?" a random staff member loudly whispered to one of the tech guys.

"Ok, Patamon, let's digivolve," TK said dramatically, swooping his digivice out of his pocket the same way he did when he was a kid, but this time he cracked his shoulder. "Let's do it!" The digivice looked beat down on the outside, but it still glowed the way it always did.

_PATAMON, DIGIVOLVE TO…_

The entire studio staff screamed and dove for cover. At least three men ran out of the room completely- there could have been more. The light coming from Patamon was completely overpowering, and TK had forgotten to warn everyone to close their eyes. One woman was frantically trying to get her cell phone to work to call her family and tell them she was dying, and another waved her arms in the air and began speaking in tongues. Maybe waiting until Patamon was in the studio to start the digivolution was kind of a bad idea. Angemon wouldn't have been able to fit through the doors, though, so what was he supposed to do? Just had to wait it out and make sure no one jumped out a window, he supposed.

_ANGEMON._

The cell phone woman screamed and fainted. The security guard dropped to his knees and started trying to talk to Jesus. Well, all things considered, that could have turned out a lot worse. The light radiating from Angemon brightened up the clinical studio until it was almost unbearable, but TK had come too far to let something like blinding white light stop him now.

"Ok. You, get that woman off the set and buy her some water or something," TK commanded, easily taking charge of the battered studio staff. "You, go find where the photographers and the lighting guy ran off to. And Angemon, you need to talk to the photo director about what he wants you to do."

"Hi, I'm Angemon," said Angemon conversationally, bending down to shake the man's hand.

"He's huge," the director whispered. "How are we even going to fit him in the frame?"

"Whatever, you figure it out," TK shrugged. He hadn't factored in that Angemon may be too big for the studio's equipment to handle. On top of that, the digivolution had caused all of the electronics in the room to go completely haywire, which meant even more delays. Well, that was what professionals were for. TK was the author- he was just there to tell them if they were doing it right.

Once the equipment was back online, the rest of the shoot passed without incident. TK thought back to when he'd first met Angemon, as a little kid. He'd never in a million years dreamed that he would be asking his digimon to model for him thirty years later. Or maybe he had. Even back then, TK'd always thought that Angemon had a nice caboose.

Yes, getting Angemon to pose for his book cover was an absolutely good idea.

* * *

"Hear that, TK? I'm gonna be famous!" Patamon crowed. TK was holding the pile of prints from the shoot, and he had to say, Angemon looked fabulous in all of them. The white spandex body suit was definitely the way to go. Artistic genius on his part. Though the one where Angemon was pouting and flipping his hair was a little weird.

"Yep. There'll be pictures of you all over Japan. People are going to be buying this book in _droves_," TK agreed, handing Patamon a cheese fry. "Nice work, buddy! And, thanks, Mika." His assistant glowered at him.

"Don't mention it. Seriously, don't," she muttered. Patamon didn't notice the sarcasm, and he waved goodbye as Mika stormed away.

"Yeah, don't mention it!" he said happily. "So what's this book about, anyway?"

"Well, Maria just got married to her high school sweetheart, but then she meets Ernesto- that's you on the cover- in a coffee shop, and she wants to run away with him, but Ernesto and Maria's husband are long-lost cousins, so she doesn't want to break up their family bonds, but then Ernesto gets Maria pregnant, so she goes to a wise old man for advice, and he tells her to follow her heart, so she and Ernesto run off to America together to start a family, but then Maria has a miscarriage, but Ernesto decides to stay by her anyway, but then aliens attack New York City, and Maria's old husband is the only one who can stop them, and then all three of them have sex in the ocean." Patamon stopped drinking his soda long enough to stare blankly up at him.

"TK?"

"Yes, Patamon?"

"You're a strange guy."

"Thanks, pal."

* * *

Ha! This was fun to write. Digimon is pretty much the best ever. :D Please let me know what you think?


End file.
